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Artist:
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unknown
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Issue: 57
January 1987
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 57
January 1987
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Better Red than no baptism for the dead.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 57
January 1987
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Click! Joseph, Would you please turn off that . . Light.
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Artist:
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Barry Lloyd
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Issue: 57
January 1987
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 58
March 1987
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Have you ever had intimate relaions with a member of the opposite sex? No. Ever necked? No. Petted? No. Touched? No. Squeezed? No. Grappled like sweaty musrats in the back of a Chevy? No. What's the matter? Aren't you a Real Man? Hey, I'm only thirteen!
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 58
March 1987
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Grace, did you have to open your coat when the Prophet came through the crowd and shok my hand?
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Artist:
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Lloyd
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Issue: 58
March 1987
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I'll be dad gummed if I'm going to let you finish my personal history!
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Artist:
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Lloyd
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Issue: 59
May 1987
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Each unique and special in the same way!
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 59
May 1987
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'Sigh' Being a General Authority has it's price. You can't cut loose and do something wild and irresponsible like other people. Oh, what the heck! Go for it! That's right Sister Finch -- A half dozen colored shirts delivered to my office in a plain brown paper wrapper.
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 59
May 1987
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Sharon, there's nothing you can do. They're dividing the Ward. But the Hendersons are our best friends!
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Artist:
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Lloyd
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Issue: 59
May 1987
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So much for the theory that the Church is run by the Public Relations Department.
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Artist:
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MAC
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Issue: 59
May 1987
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
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Issue: 60
July 1987
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Everybody stay quiet, okay? No one needs to know it was Troop 263 that had the barbeque near the stake center!
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 60
July 1987
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No, The radio astronomy observatory is up the roard . . This is an LDS Stake Center.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 60
July 1987
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Relax, this is all just routine, but have you ever engaged in illicit sexual intercourse? Heavens no! The very thout of it make me nauseious! Fine, Fine. I'd like to ask you about your relationship with your husband. I though you just did.
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 61
September 1987
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If you have a liberal Mormonisn problem . . Call this toll free number . . Orthodox Mormons are standing by.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 61
September 1987
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People expect Gas to be irreproachably respectable. Sometimes I get this overpowering urge to let my hair down and dance naked through a forest glen with the gentle woodland creatures cavorting at my feet! Sister Finch, it's lonely at the top.
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
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Issue: 61
September 1987
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They finally put all the commandments in one place!
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 62
November 1987
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Hello, Eve. Sorry for the mess, but we're in a fallen state this morning.
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Artist:
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MAC
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Issue: 62
November 1987
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Sistser Fransworth, be bold, be imaginative, be daring but don’t stray from the lesson manual.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 62
November 1987
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There's no free lunch, you lazy freeloading bum! You're two minutes late for the last time Griswold, YOU'RE FIRED! A good looking secretary is important to this office Miss Hart. May I call you Carol? My, what fine looking legs you've go carol. Coffee sir? No thanks, it's against my religion.
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
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Issue: 62
November 1987
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There she is, brethren! That’s the woman who told the bishop we snuck out of priesthood meeting to watch the Super Bowl!
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 63
January 1988
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Oh, no! It’s the last day of the month . . . and Porter Rockwell is their home teacher.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 63
January 1988
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Sometine being a General Authority is the pitts. Everything you say is scruitinized. Every move is notices. And someone is always ready to criticize you at the drop of a hat. Even a window washer has more real freedom than I do. An try not to change any doctrine whie I'm gone.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 63
January 1988
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Heck, if I know what this stuff says. Who do think I am. -- Hugh Nibley
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
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Issue: 63
January 1988
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So this is why the Lord established Zion right on the Wasatch Fault!
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Artist:
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Brad Teare
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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But enough of my unique Mormon theology, tell me about yours.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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What the .. ? Miss Finch, another uncomplimentary artice has appeared in the National Press. I've had enough of this unwarrented criticism and persecution. We Do Not control every aspect of everyone's life in Utah. Have the State Legislature issue a resolution to that effect.
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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Preppie. Genealogy in a can.
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Artist:
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Steve Benson
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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Artist:
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Steve Benson
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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Artist:
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Steve Benson
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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Artist:
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Steve Benson
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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No: Smoking, Drinking, Drugs, Pepsi, Long hair, Beards, Short skirts, Sex, Fibbing, Cheating, and Mecham
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Artist:
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Steve Benson
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Issue: 64
March 1988
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Why didn't Craft and Leonard tell the deal included preachin to pickaninnies?
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Artist:
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unknown
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Issue: 65
May 1988
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endell wondered what he would do about his Sunday School Lesson, as he discovered money can buy happiness
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 65
May 1988
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We wish to thank the various stations that helped bring this conference to our hot-tubbing Saints in California.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 65
May 1988
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Home teachin is the Heart of the Church! The welfare program is the heart of the Church! Temple work is the Heart of the Church! Geneology is the Heart of the Church! Tithing is the Heart of the Church! Harvey, you're a Mormon . . what's your church like? It's ALL HEART!
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 66
July 1988
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 66
July 1988
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Not to worry—I happen to know God doesn’t recognize ordinances performed without authorization of the proper priesthood line authority.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 66
July 1988
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Hear he came from a nice Mormon Home. But I heard his owners paper trained him on old copies of liberal Mormon magazines! Yes, its true! So is it any wonder he turned out so tragically? Gasp! There he is! SPUDS! Spuds Mackenzie! It's not too late to change!
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Artist:
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unknown
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Issue: 66
July 1988
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. . . one push and the red light comes on . . . two pushes and the microphone cuts out . . . just like you asked, Bishop. And just in time for Fast Sunday, too.
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
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Issue: 66
July 1988
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Whose idea was it to have a youth speaker at this conference?
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 67
September 1988
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What kind of a church is this . . . when the first thing they do after arriving in the Salt Lake Valley is build a basketball court?
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 67
September 1988
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It doesn't matter to your father and me that you're not getting married in the temple. We still love you. "Thanks mom." They will let you write from the Telestial Kingdom, want they?
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 68
November 1988
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Thank you Elder Oaks for the choice remarks. Unfortunately we've run out of time for questions.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 68
November 1988
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As one of a growing number of Mormon women who is tired of male oppression, I feel obliged to inform you of the coming revolution! Soon legions of us will throw down our spiritual living lessons and cookie cutters and march on the Church office building. And do you know what it's going to be called when women in the Church stand up and demand their rights? Priesthood Envy?
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 69
February 1989
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Hello there deary! I'm your fairy visiting teacher. How 'bout a peak at your future? See, you'll quit your job, marrry a fine priesthood bearer/financial consultant and live happily eternally after. What's this photo of me with the Ward primary kids? No, Sally! Those are YOURS!
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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Issue: 69
February 1989
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Well, they’d better study it out in their own minds because there’s not going to be any visitation today.
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
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Issue: 69
February 1989
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I had the strangest dream last night. Lowell Bennion became head of Welfare Services, Tom Monson became chair of BYU philosophy department, Michael Quinn director of the Historical Department, Mary Bradford Ensign editor, Boyd Packer over BYU social scien
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 69
February 1989
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I don’t want much, but I want quality.
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
|
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Issue: 69
February 1989
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Shees! You’d think the BYU religion faculty could drive cars to work like everyone else!
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
|
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Issue: 70
April 1989
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By the Power of my authority, I command you to stop demanding the Priesthood! That’s unrighteous dominion, Bucko, which means you just lost your Priesthood! Besides, I believe I already have the Priesthood! And I command you not to command me not to demand the Priesthood. No you don’t! Yes I do! . . Personally, I thing giving it only to quadropeds would solve a lot of problems.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 70
April 1989
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Its Jesus -- I didn't recognize him after BYU standards got through with him.
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
|
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Issue: 70
April 1989
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We’re going to play ‘Mormon Trivia.’ Let’s have the cautious church historians play against the reckless church historians.
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
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Issue: 70
April 1989
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I just had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed Hugh Nibley had a Swiss bank account.
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
|
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Issue: 70
April 1989
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Please wait here for hostess to seat you.
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Artist:
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Gustave Dore
|
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Issue: 71
June 1989
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I don’t believe this! I told the architect that we didn’t want the new chapel to seem pretentious.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
|
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Issue: 71
June 1989
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I need to think of something good for conferece. Something that teaches loyalty and obedience while it tugs at the old heart strings. Sister Finchly, get me some plot summaries from old Lassie episodes.
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
|
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Issue: 71
June 1989
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Meet me at the Lion House for a priesthood-power lunch.
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
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Issue: 72
August 1989
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|
At BYU Harry was a Skousen conservative, as bishop he was a Maxwell moderate, as high priests instructor he was a McMurrin liberal. Now, he just reads This People magazine.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
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Issue: 72
August 1989
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|
so, Mr Fancy Pants Lee! You're reduced to selling cigars -- that's the fate of those who lift up their heels against The Bretheren! Excuse me sir -- that’s a wooden indian. I knew that!
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
|
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Issue: 72
August 1989
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And I know that the official Church book on the Mark Hofmann case is TRUE . . Even though it hasn't been published yet.
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
|
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Issue: 72
August 1989
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|
Well, thanks and good night. It’s nice every so often to feel like a sister missionary again.
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Artist:
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Ryan Wayment
|
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Issue: 73
October 1989
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. . And in international news, Brigham Young University has just gotten in the Guinness Book of World Records for making the WORLD'S LARGEST CHEESECAKE!
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
|
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Issue: 73
October 1989
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Nothing Succeeds Like Success
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Artist:
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Ken Critchfield
|
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Issue: 73
October 1989
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Call Salt Lake and see if we can strike a deal to use their San Diego Temple as a set for Flash Gordon Returns.
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
|
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Issue: 73
October 1989
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A voice came to me and said, Michelangelo - change the fresco. Can you hear my voice . . Change It Back!
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Artist:
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Brian Bean
|
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Issue: 74
December 1989
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Caution Unrighteous Dominion
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
|
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Issue: 74
December 1989
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Remember me? Your Fairy Visiting Teacher? How'd you'd like a date to the Gold and Green Ball? First we have to find something to turn into your handsome R.M. Prince. Oh don’t bother, please? Aha! Just the thing! Go away . . Please, just go away . .
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Artist:
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Ken Critchfield
|
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Issue: 74
December 1989
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Rock Hard Testimony, Los Angeles
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
|
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Issue: 74
December 1989
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Ouch . . Hey you're stepping on my foot Elder.
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
|
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Issue: 74
December 1989
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Today’s lesson is how to defend yourself if you forgot your rattail comb or mace.
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
|
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Issue: 75
February 1990
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|
Would you summarize your presentation, Alan? Just in case some of us missed the point.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
|
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Issue: 75
February 1990
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Artist:
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Ryan Wayment
|
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Issue: 75
February 1990
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AS A TEENAGER: I hope my friends realize that Mormons are just normal peple. I hope they don't think we're weird like the Puritans or Amish.
AS AN ADULT: I wish Utah/Mormon culture was't so modern and tacky. I wish we were a purer and simpler people -- like the Amish.
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
|
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Issue: 75
February 1990
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The parable of the good by hestitant Samaritan. I do care . . It's just that I didn't bring any rubber gloves.
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Artist:
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Brian Bean
|
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Issue: 75
February 1990
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|
Okay, then to implement the Prophet's concern, the Young Men's organization will develop an anti-drug lesson. The Quorum doesn't want drugs at Church, let's develop a strong program. Maybe we should require blood tests for all athletic teams. Oh, and Sally, have that new BYU inter draft a memo to all bishops on that drug thing. PRESS ROOM: " . . . Each ward house should acquire a a police-trained drug search dog . . " I don't know, sometimes I wonder about the inspiration of the Brethren.
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
|
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Issue: 76
April 1990
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|
Remind the prophet that this year is Old Testament, not Book of Mormon!
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
|
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Issue: 76
April 1990
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|
It's OK bishop . . .just part of my homosexual therapy.
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
|
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Issue: 76
April 1990
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|
Okay, now break into small groups and brainstorm ten ways to sincerely home teach. Then we’ll reassemble and share the ideas.
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Artist:
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Landoffi
|
|
Issue: 76
April 1990
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I'm sorry, John, but holding up the entire Book of Mormon is not acceptable as proof Joseph Smith was a prophet.
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Artist:
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Brian Bean
|
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Issue: 76
April 1990
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|
And as your new bishop, I hope we can make our ward a kinder, gentler place, where there are scores of points of light of service and love.
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Artist:
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Ryan Wayment
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Issue: 76
April 1990
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|
I wonder why Mormons are so often intolerant of other peoples's religious beliefs. I mean, we believe that there is much truth which we've not yet received, and we know that other belief systems have a certain amount of truth. And yet so many Mormons are intlerant, judemental, and self-righteous. I'm sure glad I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
|
|
Issue: 76
April 1990
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OUR STORY: CindY's fairy visiting teacher has changed a rat into an R.M. to accompany her to the stake dance- I don't want to go to the Gold & Green Ball!! I don't want to be set up with anyone" I don't want to be seen with this . . This . . R.M.! Hmmm . . . I see your point. ZAP! You know, I feel the same way about being seen in public before I visit the hairdresser. TO BE CONTINUED . . . ..
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
|
|
Issue: 76
April 1990
|
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|
So, what's Orson Scott Card writing about this time?
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Artist:
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unknown
|
|
Issue: 77
June 1990
|
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|
Wish List: Publish Regularly
Tha's all
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Artist:
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Pat Bagley
|
|
Issue: 77
June 1990
|
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|
OUR STORY: Cindy's fairy visiting teacher has changed a rat into an escort for the stake Gold and Green Ball . . . Don't you two look adorable! Now you two run along and have fun -- BUT REMEMBER -- You must be in before the sabbath (12.01 AM) or there will be serious consequences! Hyuk! Why do I suddenly feel like a piece of cheese to a rat who's gone without for two years? NEXT TIME: "For a vermin, you're kinda cute."
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Artist:
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Steve Kropp
|
|
Issue: 77
June 1990
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|
Enjoying all the advantages of seniority.
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Artist:
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Calvin Grondahl
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